on longing
The entire life of a good Christian is in fact an exercise of holy desire. You do not yet see what you long for, but the very act of desiring prepares you, so that when he comes you may see and be utterly satisfied. -St. Augustine-
Coffee was spilling from the mug that depicted a snowman hanging mistletoe over a snowoman as I tried to keep up with an eager dog. It's late March in North Carolina which means I am wearing a Patagonia jacket and Birkenstocks, my body perpetually trying to decide if it is hot or cold.
The black liquid spills onto my hand as I spill out a list of desires to the One who knows all my desires, to the One I can safely give all my desires.
My desires are littered with the grand and the silly, though they are likely all still too small. Sandwiched in between dignity for the homeless and salvation from depression for a dear friend is a desire for a crepe from that place down the street, clarity for this next year of life, laughter that makes my stomach hurt. I wonder if the One who hears them smiles to Himself, me asking for apple slices at a 5 star restaurant. The apple not bad, but the restaurant capable and willing to provide so much more.
But I say my desires, the grand and the silly, the ones that seem irrational and the ones that seem childish. I say them all because I would rather have small desires then none at all.
There are seasons in which I find myself with little desire. The desire, like an unremembered dream, is there but I don't have access to it. Busyness, apathy, disappointment get in the way. Perhaps I don't let myself enter into the longing because acknowledging it makes me acutely aware that I don't have it yet. And fear questions if I'll ever get it.
This morning as coffee and sun splashed on me I was reminded how important it is to desire. How right it is to long. Life how it is now is not life as it should be. I pray I am always longing and I pray that the One who knows my longings will continue to shape them into what they should be. And I am thankful that He is the safest place to bring my desires, even the wrong ones. Even the ones perverted by sin. I bring those to him and he forgives me and he helps me pick up new desires that reflect his heart.
St. Augustine said that "longing desire prayeth always, though the tongue be silent. If thou art ever longing, thou art ever praying." May we ever be longing and may that longing be ever praying. Praying to the One who hears.
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