trust in my sufferings

"when he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but

continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly."

This entrustment to his Father is what led Jesus to pray, "not as I will, but as you will" in the garden. This entrustment led him to submit to the way of his Father, as blood-sweat smeared into his beard and the shaking fear had his body. This entrustment paved the way to the cross.

And as I think on this I wonder how you could feel trust for someone who led you to such suffering. And to call this good feels even more confusing. 

I always struggling with Psalm 119:75, this thought that "in faithfulness you have afflicted me." To call this affliction proof of God's faithfulness stops me in my tracks, and then to think that this affliction is brought upon by God---my creature heart struggles with this. 

But as I read through 1 Peter I find this connection between suffering and glory so evident. It is in the suffering that I find more of Jesus, I am made more into the new creation I am, I find deeper glory. 

This sits heavy on my Pollyanna mind, as I try to shove aside all that is bad and wrap myself in all that is warm and cozy and safe. 

The truth is I do not want to look at my sufferings and entrust them to God. I want to hold onto them with bitter hands and cry angry tears as I sit in self-pity and outrage. I do not want to sit with uncomfortable thought that it is in faithfulness I am afflicted, that even in suffering God is a just judge, that I am called to give up this reviling and take up the cross, following behind the way of the Shepherd and Overseer of my soul.

As I assess my heavy loads of past sufferings, my detailed list of how I've been wronged, I am asked to entrust myself to him who judges justly. This submission is a sacrifice I don't want to give and yet I believe it leads to a fuller life. 

My head, still full of questions, tries to sit with this uncomfortable submission and entrust myself to the Lord. I am not able yet to articulate all that this means or answer the hard questions I still ask, but I believe that he who paved the way will guide me. And I drink deep of the unyielding truth that his perfect entrustment and submission is what makes me able to call myself a daughter of this just judge. For even when I am unable to trust, this fierce entrustment and submission of Jesus stands in my place.